Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
