I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
