the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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