Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
