your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Found your dick twin last night
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
