i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
