This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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