Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
