Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
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Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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