fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
