Who wears a wallet chain?!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
