I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
