Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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