At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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