I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
