so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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