Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
