A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
