i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
