i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
