I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
there's paper in my vomit.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
