forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
