The maid of honor just puked.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
