I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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