I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
