why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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