happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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