I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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