did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
