Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
