I am puke
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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