I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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