No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
