Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
