Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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