All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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