so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
