Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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