Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
