I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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