im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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