I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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