woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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