Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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