well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
