He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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