I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
