Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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