kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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