Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
