Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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