My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
