K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
