I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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