I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I need to align my fucking chakras
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
